Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
