after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
