it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
