I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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