she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
