i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize