why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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