Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
