did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
