Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Drunk is not a location!
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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