That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
