Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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