I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
