remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
