I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
