official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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