i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
