I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
