Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You can't just leave with hair like that
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
