I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
