My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
