cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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