Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
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