WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
