im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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