This house was built for laser tag.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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