The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
