He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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