a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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