Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
