dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Found your dick twin last night
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
We need to get me chipped asap
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
