He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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