your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
