Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
