I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
