I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
