I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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