Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Pants 0. Shit 1.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Semen is not good for contacts.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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