If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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