farters have to be the big spoon...
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
