I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize