We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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