you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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