im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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