I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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