She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
