Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
