tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize