Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
