broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
