Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
