When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
When are your genitals available?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
