Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
