I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
All the doctor said was why
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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