From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
