so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
