did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
