Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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