I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
