I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
