Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
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