haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
