Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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