I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
