I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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